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Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Quotes

We've all seen Bart's relief as the bell rings and he's released from detention, but how does he get in so much trouble?

We compiled a comprehensive list of Bart Simpson's 288 chalkboard quotes from the last 20 years of The Simpsons. Ay, caramba! Apparently Bart's guilty of everything from skateboarding in the school, to instigating revolutions, and everything in-between.

Enjoy scrolling through Bart's chalkboard quotes!

Simpson's chalkboard quotes

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Here is the most up-to-date list of Bart Simpson chalkboard quotes

  • "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" is as good as "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
  • "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
  • "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
  • "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
  • "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
  • "Caucus" is not a dirty word
  • "Daylight Savings" is not a failed bank
  • "March Madness" is not an excuse for missing school
  • "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
  • "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
  • "The President did it" is not an excuse
  • 20 more shoplifting days till Christmas
  • A belch is not an oral report
  • A booger is not a bookmark
  • A burp in a jar is not a science project
  • A burp is not an answer
  • A fire drill does not demand a fire
  • A person's a person no matter how Ralph
  • A trained ape could not teach gym
  • Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
  • All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
  • Bart's earned a day off
  • Batman is not "nothing without his utility belt"
  • Beans are neither fruit nor musical
  • Beer in a milk carton is not milk
  • Cafeteria trays are not toboggans
  • Call your mother during the commercials
  • Candy canes are not elf bones
  • Chalkboarding is not torture
  • Class clown is not a paid position
  • Coffee is not for kids
  • Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
  • Dodgeball stops at the gym door
  • Does any kid still do this anymore?
  • During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child"
  • Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
  • Eating my vegetables is not a Mother's Day present
  • End of "Lost": It was all the dog's dream. Watch us.
  • Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
  • Fire is not the cleanser
  • Fish do not like coffee
  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
  • Four-leaf clovers are not mutant freaks
  • Frankincense is not a monster
  • Fridays are not "pants optional"
  • Fun does not have a size
  • Funny noises are not funny
  • Garlic gum is not funny
  • Genetics is not an excuse
  • Global warming did not eat my homework
  • Goldfish don't bounce
  • Grammar is not a time of waste
  • Halloween does not kick Thanksgiving's ass
  • Have a great summer, everyone
  • HDTV is worth every cent
  • High explosives and school don't mix
  • Hillbillies are people too
  • Hot dogs are not bookmarks
  • I am not a 32 year old woman
  • I am not a dentist
  • I am not a lean mean spitting machine
  • I am not a licensed hairstylist
  • I am not allergic to long division
  • I am not an FDIC-insured bank
  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
  • I am not certified to remove asbestos
  • I am not Charlie Brown on acid
  • I am not delightfully saucy
  • I am not here on a fartball scholarship
  • I am not licensed to do anything
  • I am not my long-lost twin
  • I am not smarter than the President
  • I am not the acting President
  • I am not the last Don
  • I am not the new Dalai Lama
  • I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
  • I cannot absolve sins
  • I cannot hire a substitute student
  • I can't see dead people
  • I did not invent Irish dancing
  • I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
  • I did not see Elvis
  • I did not see teacher applying for welfare
  • I did not see teacher siphoning gas
  • I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
  • I do not deserve a Mother's Day gift for being "one badass mother"
  • I do not have a cereal named after me
  • I do not have diplomatic immunity
  • I do not have power of attorney over first graders
  • I do not have the hots for my mom
  • I have neither been there nor done that
  • I must not write all over the walls
  • I no longer want my MTV
  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
  • I should not be twenty-one by now
  • I want to secede but don't know which state I'm in
  • I was not nominated for "Best Spoken Swear Word"
  • I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
  • I was not the sixth Beatle
  • I was not told to do this
  • I was not touched "there" by an angel
  • I will finish what I sta
  • I will never lie about being cancelled again
  • I will never win an Emmy
  • I will not
  • I will not "let the dogs out"
  • I will not aim for the head
  • I will not barf unless I'm sick
  • I will not belch the National Anthem
  • I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
  • I will not bribe Principal Skinner
  • I will not bring sheep to class
  • I will not burp in class
  • I will not bury the new kid
  • I will not buy a Presidential pardon
  • I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
  • I will not call the principal "spud head"
  • I will not carve gods
  • I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom
  • I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
  • I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission
  • I will not conduct my own fire drills
  • I will not create art from dung
  • I will not cut corners
  • I will not dance on anyone's grave
  • I will not defame New Orleans
  • I will not demand what I'm worth
  • I will not dissect things unless instructed
  • I will not do anything bad ever again
  • I will not do that thing with my tongue
  • I will not do the Dirty Bird
  • I will not draw naked ladies in class
  • I will not drive the principal's car
  • I will not eat things for money
  • I will not encourage others to fly
  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
  • I will not fake my way through life
  • I will not fake rabies
  • I will not fake seizures
  • I will not file frivolous lawsuits
  • I will not flip the classroom upside down
  • I will not flush evidence
  • I will not get very far with this attitude
  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
  • I will not grease the monkey bars
  • I will not hang donuts on my person
  • I will not have fun with educational toys
  • I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
  • I will not hide the teacher's medication
  • I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
  • I will not illegally download this movie
  • I will not instigate revolution
  • I will not laminate dog doo
  • I will not leak the plot of the movie
  • I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face
  • I will not look up what teacher makes
  • I will not make flatuent noises in class
  • I will not make fun of Cupid's dink
  • I will not mess with the opening credits
  • I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
  • I will not mock teacher's outdated cell phone
  • I will not obey the voices in my head
  • I will not plant subliminal messagores
  • I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
  • I will not prescribe medication
  • I will not publish the Principal's credit report
  • I will not put hot sauce in the CPR dummy
  • I will not replace a candy heart with a frog's heart
  • I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
  • I will not ridicule teacher's Final Four bracket
  • I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
  • I will not scare the Vice President
  • I will not scream for ice cream
  • I will not sell land in Florida
  • I will not sell miracle cures
  • I will not sell my kidney on eBay
  • I will not sell school property
  • I will not send lard through the mail
  • I will not show off
  • I will not skateboard in the halls
  • I will not sleep through my education
  • I will not snap bras
  • I will not spank others
  • I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
  • I will not spin the turtle
  • I will not squeak chalk
  • I will not strut around like I own the place
  • I will not surprise the incontinent
  • I will not teach others to fly
  • I will not tease Fatty
  • I will not torment the emotionally frail
  • I will not trade pants with others
  • I will not tweet as the principal's toilet
  • I will not use abbrev.
  • I will not use permanent ink on the chalkboard
  • I will not wait 20 years to make another movie
  • I will not waste chalk
  • I will not wear white after Labor Day
  • I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
  • I will not Xerox my butt
  • I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
  • I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
  • I will obey Oscar® campaign rules from now on
  • I will only do this once a year
  • I will only provide a urine sample when asked
  • I will remember to take my medication
  • I will return the seeing-eye dog
  • I will stop phoning it in
  • I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
  • I won't not use no double negatives
  • I'm not here on a spitball scholarship
  • I'm so very tired
  • I'm sorry I broke the blackboard
  • Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
  • It does not suck to be you
  • It's "Facebook," not "Assbook"
  • It's Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall
  • It's not too early to speculate about the 2016 election
  • It's November 6 -- how come we're not airing a Halloween show?
  • It's potato, not potatoe
  • January is not Bart History Month
  • Je ne parle pas Français
  • Jesus is not mad his birthday is on Christmas
  • Jesus's last words were not "TGIF"
  • Loose teeth don't need my help
  • Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
  • Milhouse did not test cootie positive
  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
  • My butt does not deserve a website
  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
  • My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
  • My name is not Dr. Death
  • My pen is not a booger launcher
  • My piggy bank is not entitled to TARP funds
  • My suspension was not "mutual"
  • Nerve gas is not a toy
  • Network TV is not dead
  • Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
  • No one cares what my definition of "is" is
  • No one is interested in my underpants
  • No one wants to hear about my sciatica
  • No one wants to hear from my armpits
  • Nobody likes sunburn slappers
  • Nobody reads these anymore
  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
  • Over forty & single is not funny
  • Pain is not the cleanser
  • Pearls are not oyster barf
  • Poking a dead raccoon is not research
  • Pork is not a verb
  • Prince is not the son of Martin Luther King
  • Prosperity is just around the corner
  • Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
  • Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
  • Sandwiches should not contain sand
  • Science class should not end in tragedy
  • Sherri does not "got back"
  • Shooting paintballs is not an art form
  • Silly String is not a nasal spray
  • South Park - we'd stand beside you if we weren't so scared
  • Spitwads are not free speech
  • SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
  • Substitute teachers are not scabs
  • Tar is not a plaything
  • Teacher did not get fat over the holidays
  • Teacher did not pay too much for her condo
  • Teacher is not a leper
  • Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual
  • Teacher's diet is working
  • Teachers' unions are not ruining the country
  • The art teacher is fat, not pregnant
  • The boys room is not a water park
  • The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
  • The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"
  • The Christmas Pageant does not stink
  • The class hamster isn't just sleeping
  • The First Amendment does not cover burping
  • The giving tree is not a chump
  • The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
  • The hamster did not have "a full life"
  • The nurse is not dealing
  • The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens
  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
  • The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
  • The true location of Springfield is in any state but yours
  • The truth is not out there
  • The Wall Street Journal is better than ever
  • The world may end in 2012 but this show won't
  • There are plenty of businesses like show business
  • There is no such thing as an iPoddy
  • There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
  • There's no proven link between raisins and boogers
  • There's no such month as "Rocktober"
  • They are laughing at me, not with me
  • This counts as gym and art class
  • This is not a clue...or is it?
  • This punishment is not boring and pointless
  • This punishment is not medieval.
  • This school does not need a "regime change"
  • This School Is Not Falling Apart
  • Tintin did not sucksuck
  • Today is not Mothra's day
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside
  • Vampire is not a career choice
  • We are not all naked under our clothes
  • We do need no education
  • Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
  • When I slept in class, it was not to help Leo DiCaprio
  • World War II could not beat up World War I

Written by Jae