5 Places Star Trek Should Boldly Go

As Star Trek: Strange New Worlds debuts, we ponder how the Enterprise crews would fare in Juárez, Ibiza, and other places.

The latest entry into the Star Trek canon, Star Trek: Strange New Worlds, debuts on Paramount+ Thursday, May 5. In the trailer, Captain Chris Pike (Anson Mount) says the USS Enterprise is on a mission “to chart the stars, to push the boundaries of what is known and what is possible.” In other words, they’re doing the same thing every other Star Trek crew has done.

But that’s cool, ‘cause that’s what Trekkies want. Although it would be fun to see the Trek crews in other contexts like the ones we’ve dreamed up below using the two most iconic Star Trek crews.

A PhotoShopped image of The USS Enterprise over Ibiza, Spain.

The USS Enterprise over Ibiza as shown in this crudely assembled image. (Enterprise photo credit: dave_7 derivative work El Carlos, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons, Ibiza photo credit: Malagalabombonera, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons)

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Star Trek: South Central LA

When the crew of the Enterprise lands in the middle of the roughest neighborhood in LA, Spock and other blueshirts are instantly adopted into the Crips gang. Redshirts like Scotty and Uhura are embraced by the Bloods.

The goldshirts—William Shatner’s Captain Kirk and other command-division officers—form their own gang, the 55th St. Shatners, in an attempt to reunite and repatriate the Enterprise crew. But it all becomes a reheated West Side Story–style musical where Shatner, of course, just has to sing: “When you’re a Kirk . . . you’re a Kirk—all the way! From your first—cigarette—to your last, dying, day. KHAAAAAAAAAN!

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Star Trek: Amsterdam

The crews from Star Trek: The Original Series and Star Trek: The Next Generation decide to spend spring break in Amsterdam, doing the things you do in the Dutch city: riding bikes, going to museums, and ordering cannabis coffee with a half-and-half in the De Wallen red light district. They also have long talks about life and love. So, basically, it’s a talky Richard Linklater film but with Star Trek characters.

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Star Trek: Ibiza

It’s been a long voyage. Morale on the Enterprise is low. Crew members can’t even tell you the stardate without peeking at their communicators. Captain Jean-Luc Picard decides his crew deserves a break.

He announces a retreat to the Spanish island of Ibiza, where Captain James T. Kirk will DJ and perform halting recitations of his poetry. But the crew is poisoned by a new villainous race, the Phkboi, and must navigate hallucinations, strange impulses, unfathomable thirst, and the Phkboi’s bad breath in order to get back to the ship.

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Star Trek: Chuck E. Cheese

In this one-off webisode, It’s Lieutenant Commander Worf’s birthday and he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Unfortunately, Ensign Wesley Crusher is being a knowitall douche, saying he’d rather have real NY pizza and he’s too old for Chuck E. Cheese and skee-ball. Worf, enraged, breaks Wesley’s communicator and weaves a tapestry of Klingon profanity. Wesley wets his pants. Worf gets what he wants.

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Star Trek: Juárez, Mexico

A being calling themself El Mero Mero sends a transmission to the crew of the Enterprise, having mistaken them for the DEA. The cartel leader warns Captain Picard and crew to cease its investigation and, to underscore his point, holds aloft the severed, sparking head of Commander Data, who had been on leave in Cancún.

Commander Riker traces the transmission to Juárez, and the Enterprise zooms there at warp speed. Upon landing, the crew shows El Mero Mero’s cartel what real pain is, takes over the operation, and lives a fantastically opulent criminal lifestyle until the show gets canceled.

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