5 Conspiracy Theories About the Original Pentaverate
Five conspiracy theories about what happened to the original five members of The Pentaverate.
Mike Myers’ new Netflix show, The Pentaverate, debuts today. The series is based on a joke* from Myers’ 1993 film So I Married an Axe Murderer. But, curiously, none of the original five members of the secret society appear in the trailer.
Instead, there are five new members: Lord Lordington (highest-ranking member), media mogul Bruce Baldwin, a Russian oligarch (Mishu Ivanov), former Alice Cooper manager Shep Gordon, and someone called “You.”
We know The Queen, The Gettys, and The Rothschilds all live, and that The Vatican is immortal. And The Colonel—with his “weeeee beady eyes”—went “tets-up.”† So it doesn’t make sense that there would be an entirely new Pentaverate.
Maybe we’ll find out what happened to the Original Five today, when we can screen the first episode after work. Until then, we’ve cooked up five wild conspiracy theories to explain Their absence.
* Or IS it a joke?
† Or DID he?
Conspiracy theory #1: They’re onto some new sh*t
Current intelligence suggests that the Original Five have formed either a band or an MLM. Or they’ve been trying to get in touch with us about our extended warranties.
Conspiracy theory #2: Nonagenarian Mutant Ninja Reptilian Pizzagate
See if you can follow this logic: The Original Five members of the Pentaverate would all be into their nineties by now (at least). Conspiracy theorists believe in secret societies run by reptilian aliens. Turtles are reptiles. Ninja turtles love pizza and live in basements (well, sewers). And 90-year-olds would need the adrenochrome-rich blood of children to stay young. Reptilians in a pizza joint basement drinking kid blood to stay young = the Pizzagate conspiracy theory. Just sayin’ . . .
Conspiracy theory #3: They’re broke
It’s all about money—and not a single member of the original Pentaverate is on Forbes’s Richest People in the World list. So maybe they were pushed out for being broke. Then again, if net worth is a Pentaverate membership requirement, why don’t Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos have a seat at the table? We think we know—see next.
Conspiracy theory #4: Ascension
We’re discovering potentially habitable Earth-like planets. Climate change, creeping fascism, looming threats of World War III, and the Kardashians threaten to destroy the planet. And Musk and Bezos are flying other rich people into space.
We reckon that the original Pentaverate caught some of the first flights, so they’re alive and running things from Earth Two. Which brings us to our last conspiracy theory.
Conspiracy theory #5: The original Pentaverate was never real . . .
. . . and neither is the new one. Lordington, Baldwin, Ivanov, Gordon, and the mysterious “You” are all Mike Myers. You didn’t hear that from us, and this clickbait will self-destruct in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1—