Honest Music Awards
We’re sick of empty promotional parades like the 2022 Billboard Music Awards, so we created our own Honest Music Awards.
The 2022 Billboard Music Awards (BMAs) airs on Sunday, May 15. Are you gonna watch? Why? The BMAs (like the Grammy Awards, American Music Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, et al) are a pageant. A popularity contest. A dog-and-pony show. An occasion designed to keep plastic pop stars profitable by making them appear credible.
It wouldn’t be so bad if the music was good. But many of the nominated songs are created by teams of producers and songwriters based on marketing data and cheap psychological tricks (see the millennial whoop). And award shows keep the lie alive and everybody rich.
Anyway, as an exercise in catharsis, we’ve dreamed up five Honest Music Awards. It’ll probably never catch on ‘cause there’s no money in honesty, but it makes us feel better. The envelope, please . . .
Best Use of Cheap Psychological Tricks
It’s not even a secret anymore that anything goes when creating music meant for the masses. Auto-Tune, secret session players, teams of songwriters, lip-syncing—it’s all fair game. Then there are things like the millennial whoop. This annoying, two-note device is in everything from pre-fab pop to indie folk to hard rock and metal.
Best Anything by an “Artist” Who Should Be Canceled But Isn’t Because They’re Somebody’s Cash Cow
Even after what he did to Rihanna, Chris Brown still gets tons of award nominations. Sometimes he even wins, like at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards (Top R&B Artist). And, at the BET Hip Hop Awards, Brown (alongside Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne) took home the Verizon People’s Champ Award. What the hell? Being a pop star doesn’t excuse domestic violence.
Best Performance by an “Artist” from the Disney Puppy Mill
Awarded to any pop, country, or hip-hop performer that rose up through the bustling crap factory that is Disney. Whuzzup, Miley? Selena? Demi? Jonases? You were grown in a petri dish. Is it your fault? Maybe not. But we thought you should know.
Best Use of a Cause or Charity to Appear Socially Conscious
Some celebrities—usually the plastic ones—start charities solely to improve their images. Awards shows do it, too. But it reads insincerely when the people handing out the awards wear clothes and jewelry that cost enough to feed a village for a year.
Outstanding Achievement in Empty B.S.
Think of this as a participation trophy, ‘cause everybody involved with these vapid charades gets one.