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A Break-up Letter to My Cable Company

  Dear Cable I’m leaving you. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s you. I think we’ve both known this was coming. We gave it a good try. Well, I did at least. You showed up once in a while – within a 5-hour window. You got really good at pretending to care about me, but I think we both know that you don’t. I have to admit, when we first met I was pretty excited. You called me out of the blue. You said you liked me and you wanted to make my life better. You offered me HBO and Cinemax, and while I thought your Cinemax suggestion was a bit presumptive, I was really into True Blood at the time and decided to take you up on your offer. Why not? What could go wrong? Well, much like my time investment in True Blood I eventually saw you for what you were, Cable: a giant waste of time. If only I had seen the signs. Do you remember our first date? I’d like to think you do, but if I am being honest I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t. It was a couple years ago on a Tuesday between 9 AM and 3:30 PM. You showed up at 3:45. You were nice enough, but I could tell you were tired, as if I was not the only date you had scheduled that day. You hooked up my cable box, showed me how to use the remote and left as quickly as you came. Sure, you left your number, but I think we both know that initial hook-up was the only moment in our entire relationship you actually cared about me. After that first day things went ok… I guess. We just kind of went through the motions our relationship required. I pushed your buttons, you put on a show. Sometimes you were crystal clear. Sometimes you cut out and disappeared. I would call the number you left me over and over and your friends would cover for you with hollow apologies. “It’s coming back. We’re aware of the problem. We’re sorry. Just keep checking.” And yet, I’d go to bed wondering where you were. Sure, you’d apologize and give me gifts for being gone so much. But I didn’t want a $7.00 credit on my bill that month. I wanted you. I wanted you to want me.  That never happened, and things just got worse. I realized our relationship had issues. I talked to my friends about their entertainment providers, and guess what? My best friend had been in a relationship with DISH for years, and they’d never had billing disputes like we seemed to have on each monthly bill. Remember the letter you wrote me? We had been together for six months and suddenly you wanted more. YOU wanted more from ME. I was the one giving everything. You were the one missing, and suddenly you wanted me to pay for HBO and Cinemax. You wanted the base package to cost $20 dollars extra. Hell, you even had your friends call me to see if I wanted a home phone. The cost of our relationship doubled over night, and I got nothing in return. I called you and threatened to leave. Of course, when you’re backed into a corner you get really good at being sweet. You said it was a mistake; you could have sworn you went over the six month promotion on that first call six months ago. You gave me more credits. You offered me more channels, ones I don’t even watch. You said it was forever this time. You said I could trust you, Cable. You tricked me. Again. Maybe it’s my fault. You seemed too good to be true. I should have trusted my gut. Yesterday when I opened my mail and found that your price had doubled again I felt like such a fool. I picked up the phone to call you, and then I set it down again. I don’t want to talk anymore. You’re too good at talking. I want to leave. I’m leaving you, Cable and I couldn’t be more excited. Why am I excited? Because I have found someone new. I’m leaving you and going to DISH. Are you ready to break up with your cable company? Check out DISH. You won’t be disappointed.

About the Author

John Kinnear likes to pour his words on any website that will take them. He has been featured on Babble, Huffington Post, Salon, Alternet, Mamapedia, and occasionally on his mom’s refrigerator. He writes about parenting, television, technology, and his love of grilled cheese sandwiches. Find him on Google+

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