TV Mom Thunderdome
How would certain TV moms fare against each other in the Thunderdome?
Two moms enter—one mom leaves. Or both moms leave. Or no moms leave. That’s how it works in TV Mom Thunderdome, where we stage fantasy grudge matches between moms from Arrested Development, Married . . . With Children, Breaking Bad, Orange is the New Black, Good Girls, and Gilmore Girls. Why? Because Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 8.
Arrested Development’s Lucille Bluth and Married With Children’s Peggy Bundy face off. (copyright 20thCent Fox)
Skyler White (Breaking Bad) vs. Galina “Red” Reznikov (Orange Is the New Black)
Even before Walter White’s cancer diagnosis, Skyler let people walk all over her husband. Then, when Walt tried to set his family up for life after his impending death, Skyler complained, smoked while pregnant with their daughter because she was so stressed out, withheld affection and support, and hypocritically aided another man in his criminal endeavors.
Incarcerated Russian cook Red Reznikov, once a sweet woman who loved to feed her family, is now a bad bitch who can serve Skyler a righteous prison beatdown. Red whips out a potato in a sock and starts whaling on Skyler, who whines profusely.
Finally, Skyler lies in a lumpy, quivering mass. Red does a shot of toilet vodka and kneels next to her opponent. Looking into Skyler’s only open eye, Red says, “You know why.” Then the guards put her on the bus back to Litchfield Penitentiary.
Winner: Red Reznikov.
Watch Breaking Bad and Orange Is the New Black on Netflix.
Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls) vs. Annie Marks (Good Girls)
Lorelai has a size advantage and is more responsible and organized. Annie’s a short, hot mess—but she’s scrappy AF. Both struggle as single moms and are tight with their teens. Both are willing to fight—dirty if necessary—for their kids. Both have rich family wanting to give their children “a better life.”
While locking eyes, trying to intimidate each other before the starting bell, the women see into each other’s souls and know they have too much in common to fight. They leave the octagon as friends and go for coffee, stopping on the way to make a payment on Annie’s payday loan.
Watch Gilmore Girls and Good Girls on Netflix.
Lucille Bluth (Arrested Development) vs. Peggy Bundy (Married . . . With Children)
You’d think that these two bold, conniving, haughty, lusty, manipulative, boozehound moms who don’t seem to actually love their families would find common ground, too. Like they’d stroll arm-in-arm, holding martinis in their free hands, crushing out cigarette butts with their heels and lesser humans’ souls with withering criticisms. Nope. There can be only one.
Lucille comes out strong, calling out Peggy’s “Safari Trollop” animal print wardrobe. Peggy says she’d tell Lucille to jump off a building but that her loose, age-spotted flesh would help her glide to safety.
Lucille breaks her martini glass and thrusts the sharp stem at Peggy: ”Here, Piggy-Peggy!” Peggy picks up her steam iron: “This facelift’s on me, hag.”
The women rush at each other, colliding with such force that they form a single, terrifying being. But before Lupeggy Blundy can eat the planet, Al Bundy comes home from work. His senses dulled by years of marriage, Al hardly notices the monstrosity in his dining room, which melts into a puddle when he removes his shoes.
Winner: It’s a . . . draw?