CableTV.com has obtained created a document from Disney Pixar showing potential merchandise tie-ins for the Toy Story spin-off Lightyear (in theaters June 17). You won’t believe some of these ideas (that we totally made up).
Buzz Lightbeer
Imagine this: A beer that helps you escape your problems, activates your childhood nostalgia, tastes great, is less filling, and promises “A Buzz in every bottle!”
We want to appeal to the growing millennial craft beer crowd, but a light beer might be a tough sell in the demographic. We believe we can overcome this obstacle by flavoring Buzz Lightbeer with cucumber.
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Buzz Lightyear “To Infinity and Beyond” Hoop
Speakin’ of obesity, weighted hula hoops are the hot new TikTok product, and statistics show that 19.7% of American children aged 2–19 are obese.1 The Lightyear version of this dubious fitness product would have a Lightyear-shaped weight so kids (and <cough> some adults) can watch Buzz orbit our rolls at warp speed.
And, if the hoop is successful, we can try Lightyear-branded shake weights, kettlebells, and Thighmasters. Does anyone know if Lightyear is up for infomercials?
Buzz Lightyear “To the Hospital and Beyond” Hot Sauce
Everyone’s putting out their own hot sauce, so why not Buzz? But to stand out in the crowd, we’ll have to go big. Buzz’s sauce should be more than, as the kids like to say, fire. It should send you To The Hospital and Beyond!
The PR campaign should include booking Buzz on Hot Ones, where he can challenge the host, Sean Evans, to an 11th wing slathered in TTH&B sauce. And a cross-promotion with Depends adult undergarments, dairy farmers, and Desitin.
Pro tip: You can watch all 14 seasons of Hot Ones on Hulu.
Buzz Lightyear Surgical Nanobots
The idea of nanobots swimming in our bloodstream is scary, but what if the bots looked like a beloved character from pop culture? Imagine how cool it would feel, knowing there’s a little Buzz Lightyear inside fixing us up!
Note: In-house testing indicates that the nanobots cause aneurysms in 12% of patients,* but let’s cross that rainbow bridge when we get to it.
* This is more of a feeling than a real result from actual testing. In other words, we made this up.
Buzz Lightyear/Slayer split 7” vinyl record, “Raining Buzz”
It’s time for corporations to collab with popular bands. As our first project, I propose releasing a Lightyear-themed version of Slayer’s “Raining Blood” on signed and numbered limited-edition swirly green, purple, and white vinyl with deep red blood droplets. And the B-side track will be Slayer covering “You’ve Got a Friend in Me.”
This platter will totally sell out on Record Store Day. We’ve yet to record the tracks, with Slayer being defunct and all (don’t worry—money talks), but the “Raining Buzz” lyrics are below so you can follow along to the original song.
“Raining Buzz”
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting my own film
Finally paid more than a pittance
Bank balance in the red
Merchandise checks draw near
Fitness hoops, hot sauce, and Buzz Lightbeer
To infinity and beyond
Pay is too low, signs of bad agents past
Betrayed by many
Now ornaments dripping above
Awaiting the prototype bobble
Pre-order yours today
RAINING BUZZZZZZZZZ!
So many products to buy
Go to the toy store
And you’ve got a friend in me
Now I shall reign—I’m Buzz!
