Are you ready? ‘Cause Cocaine Bear debuts on Peacock today. If you’ve yet to see Elizabeth Banks’s popcorn movie where a bear on blow paints a small town red, it’s delightful. And—let’s squeeze in a keyword here—we need more movies like Cocaine Bear.
We know of only one such film: Cocaine Shark, which hits video-on-demand (VOD) outlets and DVD on July 7. That’s encouraging, but let’s hope that more filmmakers feel the effects of Cocaine Bear and bless global popular culture with even more wildlife-on-a-bender films. We’re beyond happy to help. Let us know if you wanna collaborate on any of the ideas below.
Ranger Liz (Margo Martindale) hunts the Cocaine Bear—and vice-versa. (Screenshot via YouTube)
Cocaine Bear-ish Movies We’d Like to See
Flakka Seagulls
Genre: Horror
Synopsis: A man, fed up with seagulls befouling his sweet 2005 Hyundai Elantra, feeds the birds bath salt–laden Wonder Bread. Instead of dying, the ‘gulls start dive-bombing humans and eating their faces off. It’s like Birdemic: Shock and Terror, except with seagulls, bath salts, and more plot holes.
Tagline: Face your fears!
Themes: Anti-materialism, narcissism, birds.
(Photo: Dastan Khdir on Unsplash)
Pro tip: Peacock also has the so-bad-it’s-good Birdemic: Shock and Terror, plus both sequels.
Molly Monkey
Genre: Comedy
Synopsis: When its human passes out after a rave, their cute li’l pet finger monkey swipes their molly-pop. Hijinks (involving two different kinds of thirst) ensue.
Tagline: What’s in my ear?
Themes: It’s a mini-monkey on drugs, folks. There is no narrative depth for you here.
(Photo: Stefzn on Unsplash)
Toad Venom Frog
Genre: Romantic dramedy
Synopsis: Kermit struggles daily—it ain’t easy bein’ green, and his parents gave him a famous name he can’t live up to. I mean, who is he, really? One day, Kermit—hoping to take a psychedelic journey of self-discovery—licks the back of Mr. Toad, a Tinder date. The two amphibians go on a wild ride together and find more than they bargained for.
Tagline: They come from two different worlds—but they’re kinda the same.
Themes: Cultural exchange, love is love.
(Photo: Jack Hamilton on Unsplash)
Adderall Sloth
Genre: Action dramedy
Synopsis: Slow-moving and ostensibly lazy, Sloth frustrates its bosses at the content farm. When a coworker suggests Sloth may have ADHD, an Adderall prescription changes the formerly pokey neotropical mammal’s life overnight. Sloth becomes the farm’s most productive writer until disaster strikes in the form of an Adderall shortage. Sloth, desperate, must get his prescription filled fast—and by any means necessary.
Tagline: What would you do to feel normal? What if you already are?
Theme: Neurodiversity awareness.
(Photo: Sophia Muller on Unsplash)
Pro tip: Serious adventurers who like really wild movies should check out The Nastiest Movies on Tubi and the 8 Best Takeout Meals for Cannibal Movie Night.
‘Roid Gorilla
Genre: Action-horror
Synopsis: Whuzzat? We already have a zillion action movies starring ‘roided-out, chest-beating brutes? So? None of ‘em are actual silverback gorillas. In ‘Roid Gorilla, a bodybuilder takes his girlfriend to see Koko VII, the world’s smartest gorilla. When our muscleman accidentally signs “battle now” instead of “I love you,” K7 swipes at him, accidentally pricking her finger with one of the dude’s juice needles—and then goes on the greatest rampage that ever rampaged.
Tagline: She’s all-natural—until she’s not.
Theme: Don’t mess with mother nature.
(Photo: Joshua J. Cotten on Unsplash)
Pro tip: For more rampaging (but—snore—sober) apes, check out HBO Max™. It has King Kong (1933), Kong: Skull Island, and Godzilla vs. Kong.
PCPenguins
Genre: Family film
Synopsis: Oh, penguins. They’re so well-dressed—and curious! When a mysterious package lands on an ice floe near the Antarctic coast during mating season, curiosity turns the cute, cuddly, flightless birds into adorable, waddling berserkers—that can sing!
You’ve never heard a soundtrack like this, folks. Also, save your pennies ‘cause we’re gonna charge so much for PCPenguins merch.
Tagline: Click! Chirp! There are bugs in our eyes! Chirp! Click! Let’s mate for life!
Themes: Wildlife conservation, environmental stewardship.
(Photo: Cornelius Ventures on Unsplash)
We Need Even More Movies Like Cocaine Bear
Why stop now? Deadlines! But we might get to these ideas if/when a Cocaine Bear sequel hits the streets.
- Shroomaconda
- Medical Cannabis Mouse
- LSD Llama vs. Acid Alpaca
- Meth Kitty in the Asphalt Jungle of Urban Sprawl and Broken Dreams
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